“You are the light of the world. A city set on a hill cannot be hidden. Nor do people light a lamp and put it under a basket, but on a stand, and it gives light to all in the house. In the same way, let your light shine before others, so that they may see your good works and give glory to your Father who is in heaven.” (Matthew 5:14-16)

Parents exert a lot of energy nurturing their children, protecting them from evil, and pointing them to the right way to live. With few notorious exceptions, that all parents share those goals, whether Christian or not. In a nation as large as the United States, it is not surprising when there is tremendous variety in terms of how people think that should be done. When these world-views clash people naturally end up avoiding those who they think exercise poor influence over their children. And in most relationships that is a normal and acceptable response. But what is to be done when the bad influence arises from your own extended family?

Extended family can undermine the hard work Christian parents are doing to train up their children “in the discipline and instruction of the Lord” (Eph. 6:4). But the response to unbelieving extended family is more complicated because the Bible outlines some basic obligations for Christians in their larger families. These obligations are unique to the family relationship. The basic question is, “How does a Christian balance the call to honor parents and provide for them when parents, or perhaps extended family as a whole, do not honor the Lord and exercise a negative influence on your nuclear family unit of husband, wife, and children?” But answering this question is complicated and requires an examination first of the ethical obligation of the fifth commandment and second, of the practical steps that can be taken in this regard.

The Ethical Obligation

When relationships are in family bounds, there are unique obligations. These obligations complicate the decisions that are to be made. People enter almost all relationships voluntarily. Perhaps there is a common stage of life or interest; perhaps work or school brings people together. Whatever the case may be, people willingly enter these relationships and are free to leave them if relational obstacles become too great. However, family relationships have with them an aspect of obligation, at least biblically speaking. There are two broad categories that can be considered.

First, there is the obligation of honor. “Honor your father and your mother.”[i] There does not seem to be a limit attached to that biblical mandate. As part of the Ten Commandments there is an abiding nature for all people everywhere to live in obedience to this law. The question of how that is done may be various, but the biblical expectation is that it should be done.

Second, there is the obligation of provision. “But if anyone does not provide for his relatives, and especially for members of his household, he has denied the faith and is worse than an unbeliever.”[ii] To fail to provide materially for family is the expectation of Scripture.

In all but the most exceptional circumstances, some traces of these should be visible in how the extended family is treated. There should be a great hesitancy to cut off even difficult family members because the obligations above are not simply self-help principles, but divine directives. God is the author of families and the obligations attached to those relationships. And though there be variety in all the different relationships within that family, the Christian is to do all he can to live to the glory of God, by ordering his life according to God’s instruction.

In the case of relationships between people, the fifth commandment gives God’s direction. “Honor your father and your mother, that your days may be long in the land that the LORD your God is giving you.”[iii] And though father and mother are specifically mentioned, the applications of this commandment extent to all human relationships.

“Q. What is required in the fifth commandment?
A. The fifth commandment requireth the preserving the honor, and performing the duties, belonging to everyone in their several places and relations, as superiors, inferiors, or equals.”[iv]

Whether the members of the extended family in question are parents or siblings there is a biblical obligation to preserve honor and perform duties. The trickier question is to wade through what that may look like in this world of sin and misery. The Heidelberg Catechism summarizes the requirements of the fifth commandment as follows:

Q. What does God require in the fifth commandment?
A. That I show all honor, love, and faithfulness to my father and mother and to all those in authority over me, submit myself with due obedience to their good instruction and discipline, and also have patience with their weaknesses and shortcomings, since it is God’s will to govern us by their hand.[v]

Before getting to the specifics of behavior, notice first that the Christian’s relationship to his parents is based on his relationship to God. Because God has placed these specific parents in their lives, any other behavior expressed in the horizontal way (between people) involves a vertical aspect (between God and man) as well. It is God’s will to have these imperfect families knit together. And with that perspective as a foundation, the Heidelberg Catechism encourages Christians to relate to father and mother with five characteristics. The complications of sin may necessitate different approaches to each, but the Christian should strive to manifest each:

Honor

At a very basic level, Christians should honor their parents. From young children to grown children that obligation is the same. To clarify, to honor is not the same thing as to obey. Obedience is carrying out instructions given by an authority. To honor someone is to give a recognizable expression of respect to those who occupy specific relational places. A cultural example will suffice to demonstrate what that may be.

In the south, many parents teach their children to honor the adults around them by using titles or salutations like “sir” or “ma’am.” They are not expecting their children to obey all the instructions that person gives them, but they are teaching them to show them honor. That call to honor is still present in the relationship of adult children to their parents, even if they be unbelieving.

Love

To love is more than to have a feeling. Love involves feelings, but it is more than simply emotion. To love often also involves exercises the will. The will chooses to look favorably or gently on those who are far from perfect. Loving successfully in the more intimate relationships (marriage, family, close friends) involves making choices that go against the emotion of the moment.

The Bible describes love as follows: “Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth.”[vi] Love is defined in this way not only for those who are easy to be around, or even for those who are believers. Corinthians provides the Christian definition of love as a reflection of how God loves His people first. Love is meant to compensate for the failures that all people will have in relationships and must be exercised toward our families.

Faithfulness

A right understanding of divine providence means recognizing that God can place even difficult or unbelieving people in a Christian’s family. Recognizing the divine will in these things encourages the exercise of faithfulness. Faithfulness is maintaining a commitment to a group or individual. The Lord Jesus is faithful to His people. “If we are faithless, he remains faithful.”[vii] In light of Jesus’ faithfulness in the face of man’s faithlessness, how much more should the Christian be faithful in his family? And in the context of family, to be faithful is to remain unmoved in terms of commitment to the family unity regardless of the behavior of others.

Submission

Adults are not required to submit to their parents as children are. The word the Heidelberg Catechism uses that provides the proper amount of flexibility is “due obedience.” Though grown children do not owe parents obedience as children living in under the parental roof do, there is still a healthy dose of deference that should accompany the adult child’s relationship with the parent.

Patience

1 Corinthians 13:4-6 (quoted above) includes patience as part of love. That inclusion proves the exercise of love requires overcoming feelings. Miriam Webster defines patience as “bearing pains or trials calmly or without complaint.”[viii] Patience by definition involves situations of pain and trial. These are not pleasant circumstances for the person in or under them. But love includes overlooking pain and trial caused by another, or at least bearing with it. Even when family members are hard to love, the Bible calls for patience, whether they be believers or not.

It is easy to judge the faults of parents. They are often magnified in the eyes of their children because they have seen them at their worst. Stress in public verses the home, rightly or wrongly, is handled differently. Words are spoken with greater care when the world is watching. Issues are most often addressed with more charity outside the home. That is not to justify these discrepancies. It is a simple observation of fact.

This first article is meant to deal with the ideal. Especially in family relationships, the Bible gives certain parameters that must be observed as a matter of obligation. The Christian is to honor and provide. These things look acceptable and clear on paper, but trying to live them out is another matter. And so the next installment will look at living with family in a fallen world.

[i] Exodus 20:12.

[ii] 1 Timothy 5:18.

[iii] Exodus 20:12.

[iv] Westminster Shorter Catechism #64.

[v] Heidelberg Catechism #39, https://www.heidelberg-catechism.com/en/lords-days/39.html

[vi] 1 Corinthians 13:4-6.

[vii] 2 Timothy 2:13.

[viii] https://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/patient.