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Belief about God, Children, Christian Living, church

Death and Dying – Part 2

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Last installment looked at death in light of the things that could be learned from it. There we saw that not all experience in dealing with death is negative. The positive working of the Lord can be easily observed, if we watch and wait. For example, awareness of man’s need for God is often deepened in our trials. The sufferer is blessed as the Church cares for its members, often in ways that are deeply meaningful to those affected. The need for a future hope is impressed on those saying good-bye to a loved one. And yet we also remembered that experiencing the death of a loved-one certainly also has its grief and pain.

The trial of death in the family carries with it a finality and shock for which I was not prepared. The death of a loved-one is a uniquely difficult moment. It is easy to question whether enough was done for the one who is now passed. The familiar places the deceased loved-one used to enjoy remain painfully empty. However, by God’s grace and looking toward His promises, these difficult experiences can also be integrated and made beneficial in the process of adjusting to life without that loved-one present. However, in this article, I want to warn Christians against some pitfalls to be avoided in their sorrows and grief.

Pitfalls to Be Avoided

Amidst the positive and negative lessons, especially in the case of death, there can be many causes for stumbling. Emotions can cloud the mind and overwhelm the mourner to the point of obscuring God’s promises. Below are some examples of things Christians must work hard to avoid. It may perhaps even be necessary to pray that God would deliver you from such things if they have already taken hold of your heart.

Being Overwhelmed by Grief.

First, when grief paralyzes a person it is a sign that they have lost sight of hope. That is not to say such an experience is not understandable. Elijah was overwhelmed to the point of wanting to die (1 Kings 19:4). However, simply because we can be sympathetic to something that happens, does not mean we should be content to remain in such a condition. There is nothing the devil likes better than for God’s people to be blinded by grief. The weight of grief can be combatted by constant reminders of God’s promise that those who are in Christ the Son are united to God the Father in life and death. Certainly, Paul could have become blinded to the Lord because of the extent of his tribulations. His ministry included imprisonment, beatings, and near-death experiences (2 Corinthians 11:23-27). And yet he can write of the Christian:

“We are afflicted in every way, but not crushed; perplexed, but not driven to despair; persecuted, but not forsaken; struck down, but not destroyed; always carrying in the body the death of Jesus, so that the life of Jesus may also be manifested in our bodies. For we who live are always being given over to death for Jesus’ sake, so that the life of Jesus also may be manifested in our mortal flesh.” (2 Corinthians 4:8-11)

To avoid being overcome by grief requires preparation. Christians must study and know the ways of the Lord, have a firm understanding of His promises, and lay an expectation of hope to avoid being overwhelmed in the moment.

Reproaches against the Lord

Second, we may react to our circumstances by blaming God. The grief caused by death is intense, and it is understandable for a person to feel weighed down and discouraged under its weight. However, to charge God with wrong-doing is a sinful and unhealthy response to pain and grief. It is an error to lay blame at God’s feet. The Christian’s response cannot continue in this way.

Christian, I would urge you to remind yourself that God is good. Consider the following:

    • Remind yourself that He knows all things, also today’s circumstances. He created the heavens and the earth and governs them today. Certainly He is better able to discern all that is taking place in your trial, and all the good things that He will work in you through it.
    • Think about all the good things He has given in this life.
    • Remember the many joyful days He did give with your loved one.
    • If you are struggling with contentment before the Lord, lay down your pride. You do not know better than the Lord. The sliver of time that you can observe and interpreted with limited knowledge cannot always fathom what the Lord is doing in any particular moment.

Taking Job as an example, after he lost all 10 of his children he was able to say, “Naked I came from my mother’s womb, and naked shall I return. The LORD gave, and the LORD has taken away; blessed be the name of the LORD” (Job 1:21). We must train our hearts and affections by a diligent study of the ways God demonstrates His goodness in His word so that we can say the same as our brother Job.

Withdrawal and Isolation

The last pitfall to be avoided is the desire to remove yourself from contact with the saints. Perhaps you are afraid to answer the questions. Perhaps you just simply want to be by yourself to process through your thoughts. And yet, the body of Christ is there specifically so that we do not deal with these things alone. We need more comfort than we are willing to admit. The people who ask questions about your well-being, even if someone else has asked you the same thing five minutes ago, is loving you well. Answering these questions, even repeatedly, actually helped me tremendously to move past the intensity of the grief. Even if it is hard, do not forsake gathering together with the Church. They will help carry you through.

These last two articles are not meant to be a definitive or exhaustive treatment of the subject of death and dying. Much more could be said. Instead it is an attempt to briefly summarize lessons I’ve learned in my own recent experience. May the Lord bless His people as they seek to deal well with an enemy who, though defeated, yet causes much sorrow of soul in the Christian.

Children, Christian Living, Love for God

Death and Dying – Part 1

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When death casts its shadow over the brightness of life, it can shake you to the very foundations of your being. December 24, 2024 that shadow was cast over our home. After 26 years of life, our daughter Naya drew her last breath. Hers had been a difficult life. Only three days before she was placed on hospice care, genetic testing revealed she had a condition called Sanfilippo Syndrome. Her whole life she bore witness to the effects of sin through the deterioration of her body and mind. Physiologically she could not break down certain sugar molecules, which in turn accumulated in her body and gradually destroyed her central nervous system and brain function.

On July 2, 1998 my wife and I welcomed a precious daughter who became a vibrant, happy, and good-natured toddler who talked, laughed, joked, ran, played piano (a little), and wrote her name. By the time she turned four, though not knowing the name of her condition, we realized something was not right. By age 11 she began to have massive seizures. By age 14 her loss of skills was noticeable. By the time we laid her to rest she had long-since ceased to walk, talk, smile, feed herself, or interact with us in any noticeable way. In some sense, we said good-bye to Naya a little bit at a time. And yet at her death we realized just how unprepared we were for what was to come.

There was no doubt in our minds about God’s sovereign right to deal with us and our daughter according to His will and His ultimate goodness in all that He ordains. Because of our dependence on the truth of the gospel, there was no lack of hope. 1 Thessalonians 4:14 assured us with these words: “For since we believe that Jesus died and rose again, even so, through Jesus, God will bring with him those who have fallen asleep.” We were realistic about what the future held for Naya. She had suffered so much pain in the months before her passing and we were aware how death would free her from that hardship. We knew that for Naya to live is Christ and to die is gain (Philippians 1:21). As a pastor I have encouraged people to grieve as those who have hope (1 Thessalonians 4:13). And yet there was a definite weight and heaviness to the grief and it crashed over us with all the power of a tsunami wave.

I can testify to the saying that God refines us in the crucible of suffering. Not any one person could describe all the different forms that suffering may take, neither is that my intention here. However, I hope to give some of the lessons, which are still very fresh, that I have learned by facing death for the sake of comforting or preparing others who will certainly face the same trial.

Positive Lessons Learned

Not all the lessons learned through grief are corrective. God in His grace gave many instances where we were able to see, even in the moment, the good that He was doing through this painful circumstance. In Naya’s case, there was about a six week span were we slowly began to realize that the end was near for her. And in these six weeks we saw the Lord do wonderful things.

Dependence on God

There is no man who is not dependent on God for his life and breath. But suffering and hardship make that reality more apparent by increasing the awareness of the need of God. This need is often expressed through an increased desire for and practice of personal and family prayer. In our suffering we were more eager to go to Him in prayer in which we were encouraged by a constant awareness of the promises of God. Our powerlessness in the moment made us look to our Heavenly Father for strength and mercy. It is easy to become complacent in prayer, forget God’s promises, think there is always a human solution to any problem, or to divert your trust to doctors and nurses. Yet God alone governs, and the Christian should look to Him. Suffering reminded me of that truth.

Care from His People

God uses His people to care for His suffering children. A healthy Christian will spend more time ministering that receiving ministry. And it can make them slow to receive help. But the body of Christ, both local and extended, cared for us in our season of grief. They did so through expressions of sympathy, kind notes and cards, a mountain of casseroles that even our crew had trouble eating ourselves out of, and by being physically present at the funeral. To receive the ministry of the Lord’s people is a tremendous blessing.

Hope for the Future

People often live as if life will not always conclude with death. However, death is the inevitable consequence of sin. Naya’s short life bore out the fragility of what 2 Corinthians 5:1 calls “the tent that is our earthly home.” Modern medicine has made it possible to prolong life, and that can be a tremendous blessing. But there will be a moment when we all say good-bye to our earthly tent. It is impossible to hold on to this life forever. All must face the reality of the life to come. And the promises of the Bible remind the Christian that instead of agony over the end of life, there should be a hopeful expectation of eternal life for those who belong to Christ. The anticipation of that hope makes enduring death different for the Christian.

Painful Experiences Lived

And for all the wonderful lessons Christians learn through grief and pain, they are still…grief and pain. The Bible does not minimize sorrow in the face of death. Jesus Himself weeps at Lazarus’ tomb (John 11:35). Christians are exhorted not to “grieve as others do who have no hope” (1 Thessalonians 4:13), but that does not mean we are to deny grief and the pain of death altogether. Below are some of the more painful parts of death and dying.

The Shock of Death

However much end-of-life issues are discussed, I do not think anyone is actually prepared for the finality of it. My wife and I knew we would likely be the ones to release Naya into the Lord’s hands. And yet once the decision to put her on hospice care was made the finality of the decision pressed in on us. It set in motion a process where we were hurtling toward an inevitable conclusion. And even as you wait for death to come, nothing prepares you for that moment your loved ones takes that last breath. There is an agony that washes over you. It is a front-row seat into the awfulness of death. That pain and sorrow is incomparable to any other loss in this life.

Failures of the Past

Facing and experiencing the death of a loved-one also brings to mind failures in how you loved them. Moments of impatience otherwise long buried are resurrected in the mind with a vividness that makes it seem they were committed yesterday. Past failures to love as Christ loves His people become abundantly clear. And at times these remembrances can send shivers up your spine. All the excuses which might otherwise satisfy become obviously inadequate.

Sorrow over a Missing Companion

Death robs the living of the presence of those who have “fallen asleep.” This reality sinks in the days immediately following death as family routines are forever changed. In our case, the first mornings after Naya’s death we woke up prepared to bathe, feed, and care for her as we had for years before. And just as soon as the thought entered our minds we immediately were faced with the fact that we did not have that responsibility for her anymore. Places like empty bedrooms or favorite chairs can become monuments to a new and permanent absence.

These painful experiences, however sharp, are also used by the Lord to direct man to Himself. Though the Christian may feel great weakness in the moment, he should be comforted by the resurrection of Christ.

“‘Death is swallowed up in victory.’
‘O death, where is your victory?
O death, where is your sting?’”
(1 Corinthians 15:54b-55)

Comfort and tears can live side-by-side. The tears do not indicate a lack of trust in the Lord, but show a proper agony over the effects of sin and provide a proper framework for longing for heaven.

Next installment will look at how the intensity of grief over death can tempt us to stumble in certain ways.

Children, Christian Living, Love for God, Sanctification, Sin

The Christian and Conflict in the Extended Family – Part 2

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Last installment outlined the obligations of the Christian in his extended family. These are unique among all relationships a Christian may have in the world in that they are joined with the biblical directives to honor and provide for family. The complicating factor, as it is being considered, is that family, especially those who are not in Christ, can create significant disruptions in Christian homes. This second installment is looking beyond the biblical obligations and seeking to apply these things in the areas where it seems difficult.

Responding to Sin

It is possible to have many concerns about unbelieving family members, especially if relational tensions currently running high. The reality of a fallen world means that there are cautions that should be considered, even in light of the obligations to honor and provide as outlined in part 1. There are family members that are destructive and heinous sins that cannot be overlooked. These may rightly create the need for physical and/or emotional distance between family members.

Though not all complications that arise in families are of the same caliber; and though the principles of honor and provision always apply in some form, the fifth commandment is not to obeyed as an absolute command that can never considered with reference to  a particular circumstance. The Bible does not require the Christian to submit himself to public ridicule or physical danger caused by the unrepentant and repeated sin of an extended family member. It does not require parents to put their children in situations where they may be emotionally or physically hurt. In those instances the command to honor and provide is considered in tandem with the additional obligation to nurture and care for children. In those cases the biblical call to honor, love, act faithfully, submit, and be patient are still the default though the practice of these things may look different than in instances where the sin is not present.

Take, for example, a situation where a family member belittles others for their faith in Christ, constantly blasphemes the name of the Lord or whose temper is out of control, where physical or sexual abuse is a real danger. In these instances, it is right to obey the fifth commandment from afar. The sinful behavior of family members may require the Christian to remove themselves from their company (for a time, or maybe even permanently). In these few cases, the danger and damage of sin necessitates the removal, not some private desire for vengeance or getting even.

Responding to Annoyance

For most Christians, the answer to how to behave among unbelieving extended family members will not be found by considering the extraordinary circumstances described above. Again, these cases will be rare. The difficulty most Christians will have with extended family members is dealing with the minor hurts and annoyances that come with being a Christian among unbelievers. There may be a feeling of aloneness because no one in the family values the things important to the Christian. There may be exclusion from certain family events which are scheduled on the Lord’s Day and other things like these. How does the Christian navigate these annoying parts of life with unbelieving family members? Below are a few practical considerations.

Do not respond in like manner. People say hurtful things. Part of honoring unbelieving parents and family members in general is not to respond in like manner when they make small belittling comments. That does not mean the Christian could not respond in some way. More on that below. However, Christians are to bear with their enemies (Matthew 5:44). And if that is so for enemies, how much more for irritating family members.

When the Christian experiences minor hurt because of insensitivity or a sense of disapproval or disrespect, though there may be a natural distances that develops in those relationships, the Bible still calls the Christian to honor and provide. How can that be done?

  • By insisting that their children address unbelieving grand-parents, uncles and aunts with a proper respectful title.
  • By refraining from criticizing these extended family members in front of their children.
  • By making a point of sincerely thanking the unbelieving and difficult parent for the blessings they have bestowed on their family.

Other such verbal acknowledgements of respect or restraints of criticism are appropriate, even when there have been some minor emotional hurts that have been received.

Providing financially for family. Faithfulness is a fruit of the Holy Spirit and can be seen in how the Christian member responds when unbelieving family members are in need. The Bible views financial assistance to family as an essential trait of Christian charity: “But if anyone does not provide for his relatives, and especially for members of his household, he has denied the faith and is worse than an unbeliever.”[i] It is not right to expect others, who are not related, to provide for parents, children, and siblings who are in need no matter how they have hurt or annoyed. Where help is needed, the Christian should be prepared to provide it, even if relationships are strained. That does not mean sharing a home, or even frequent visits. However, material care can and should be offered.

Providing clarity in the case of offenses. It can be difficult to speak or hurt and sin with those who hold a different understanding of how the world works. The risk of misunderstanding is great. But if an offense cannot be overlooked, Christians should communicate clearly the reasons and nature of the received offense also to unbelievers. That should be done with charity, not assuming guilt, seeking explanation, and with a desire to reconcile. Remember, “love covers a multitude of sins”[ii] and the Christian’s first impulse should be to cover in love. However, if covering is not possible, a honest, compassionate, but yet a direct explanation of the problem should be pursued. The outcome of this conversation may be distance in the relationship, either because the offender would not listen, or because the offender becomes angry because of the confrontation, no matter how gently it was done.

Be quick to forgive. The greatness of the forgiveness of the Lord for His people through Christ Jesus should make them the most eager to forgive others. “Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you.”[iii] It is easy to hold on to offenses. But because God does not hold on to the offense of the sins of repentant sinners, so also the Christian should be quick to forgive. That is especially the case with family members. Should they make an apology, the Christian should be quick to accept it, even if it is not framed in biblical terminology.

There is much more that could be said, but the summary of the fifth commandment by the Heidelberg Catechism gives a good starting point.

Q. What does God require in the fifth commandment?

A. That I show all honor, love, and faithfulness to my father and mother and to all those in authority over me, submit myself with due obedience to their good instruction and discipline, and also have patience with their weaknesses and shortcomings, since it is God’s will to govern us by their hand.[iv]

God is the One who establishes families, and also in His providence the specific members of families. They are not all easy to get along with, especially when they do not share a common faith. But in all instances, God is to be worshiped. And so the Christian should live among unbelieving family members with a desire to honor and love them, to help their family unit as needed, to show deference where possible, and to patiently bear with their weaknesses. It is not always an easy ministry, but it is a ministry that when done in obedience to the Lord gives Him great glory.

[i] 1 Timothy 5:8.

[ii] 1 Peter 4:8.

[iii] Ephesians 4:32.

[iv] Heidelberg Catechism #39, https://www.heidelberg-catechism.com/en/lords-days/39.html

Bible, Children, Christian Living

The Christian and Conflict in the Extended Family – Part I

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“You are the light of the world. A city set on a hill cannot be hidden. Nor do people light a lamp and put it under a basket, but on a stand, and it gives light to all in the house. In the same way, let your light shine before others, so that they may see your good works and give glory to your Father who is in heaven.” (Matthew 5:14-16)

Parents exert a lot of energy nurturing their children, protecting them from evil, and pointing them to the right way to live. With few notorious exceptions, that all parents share those goals, whether Christian or not. In a nation as large as the United States, it is not surprising when there is tremendous variety in terms of how people think that should be done. When these world-views clash people naturally end up avoiding those who they think exercise poor influence over their children. And in most relationships that is a normal and acceptable response. But what is to be done when the bad influence arises from your own extended family?

Extended family can undermine the hard work Christian parents are doing to train up their children “in the discipline and instruction of the Lord” (Eph. 6:4). But the response to unbelieving extended family is more complicated because the Bible outlines some basic obligations for Christians in their larger families. These obligations are unique to the family relationship. The basic question is, “How does a Christian balance the call to honor parents and provide for them when parents, or perhaps extended family as a whole, do not honor the Lord and exercise a negative influence on your nuclear family unit of husband, wife, and children?” But answering this question is complicated and requires an examination first of the ethical obligation of the fifth commandment and second, of the practical steps that can be taken in this regard.

The Ethical Obligation

When relationships are in family bounds, there are unique obligations. These obligations complicate the decisions that are to be made. People enter almost all relationships voluntarily. Perhaps there is a common stage of life or interest; perhaps work or school brings people together. Whatever the case may be, people willingly enter these relationships and are free to leave them if relational obstacles become too great. However, family relationships have with them an aspect of obligation, at least biblically speaking. There are two broad categories that can be considered.

First, there is the obligation of honor. “Honor your father and your mother.”[i] There does not seem to be a limit attached to that biblical mandate. As part of the Ten Commandments there is an abiding nature for all people everywhere to live in obedience to this law. The question of how that is done may be various, but the biblical expectation is that it should be done.

Second, there is the obligation of provision. “But if anyone does not provide for his relatives, and especially for members of his household, he has denied the faith and is worse than an unbeliever.”[ii] To fail to provide materially for family is the expectation of Scripture.

In all but the most exceptional circumstances, some traces of these should be visible in how the extended family is treated. There should be a great hesitancy to cut off even difficult family members because the obligations above are not simply self-help principles, but divine directives. God is the author of families and the obligations attached to those relationships. And though there be variety in all the different relationships within that family, the Christian is to do all he can to live to the glory of God, by ordering his life according to God’s instruction.

In the case of relationships between people, the fifth commandment gives God’s direction. “Honor your father and your mother, that your days may be long in the land that the LORD your God is giving you.”[iii] And though father and mother are specifically mentioned, the applications of this commandment extent to all human relationships.

“Q. What is required in the fifth commandment?
A. The fifth commandment requireth the preserving the honor, and performing the duties, belonging to everyone in their several places and relations, as superiors, inferiors, or equals.”[iv]

Whether the members of the extended family in question are parents or siblings there is a biblical obligation to preserve honor and perform duties. The trickier question is to wade through what that may look like in this world of sin and misery. The Heidelberg Catechism summarizes the requirements of the fifth commandment as follows:

Q. What does God require in the fifth commandment?
A. That I show all honor, love, and faithfulness to my father and mother and to all those in authority over me, submit myself with due obedience to their good instruction and discipline, and also have patience with their weaknesses and shortcomings, since it is God’s will to govern us by their hand.[v]

Before getting to the specifics of behavior, notice first that the Christian’s relationship to his parents is based on his relationship to God. Because God has placed these specific parents in their lives, any other behavior expressed in the horizontal way (between people) involves a vertical aspect (between God and man) as well. It is God’s will to have these imperfect families knit together. And with that perspective as a foundation, the Heidelberg Catechism encourages Christians to relate to father and mother with five characteristics. The complications of sin may necessitate different approaches to each, but the Christian should strive to manifest each:

Honor

At a very basic level, Christians should honor their parents. From young children to grown children that obligation is the same. To clarify, to honor is not the same thing as to obey. Obedience is carrying out instructions given by an authority. To honor someone is to give a recognizable expression of respect to those who occupy specific relational places. A cultural example will suffice to demonstrate what that may be.

In the south, many parents teach their children to honor the adults around them by using titles or salutations like “sir” or “ma’am.” They are not expecting their children to obey all the instructions that person gives them, but they are teaching them to show them honor. That call to honor is still present in the relationship of adult children to their parents, even if they be unbelieving.

Love

To love is more than to have a feeling. Love involves feelings, but it is more than simply emotion. To love often also involves exercises the will. The will chooses to look favorably or gently on those who are far from perfect. Loving successfully in the more intimate relationships (marriage, family, close friends) involves making choices that go against the emotion of the moment.

The Bible describes love as follows: “Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth.”[vi] Love is defined in this way not only for those who are easy to be around, or even for those who are believers. Corinthians provides the Christian definition of love as a reflection of how God loves His people first. Love is meant to compensate for the failures that all people will have in relationships and must be exercised toward our families.

Faithfulness

A right understanding of divine providence means recognizing that God can place even difficult or unbelieving people in a Christian’s family. Recognizing the divine will in these things encourages the exercise of faithfulness. Faithfulness is maintaining a commitment to a group or individual. The Lord Jesus is faithful to His people. “If we are faithless, he remains faithful.”[vii] In light of Jesus’ faithfulness in the face of man’s faithlessness, how much more should the Christian be faithful in his family? And in the context of family, to be faithful is to remain unmoved in terms of commitment to the family unity regardless of the behavior of others.

Submission

Adults are not required to submit to their parents as children are. The word the Heidelberg Catechism uses that provides the proper amount of flexibility is “due obedience.” Though grown children do not owe parents obedience as children living in under the parental roof do, there is still a healthy dose of deference that should accompany the adult child’s relationship with the parent.

Patience

1 Corinthians 13:4-6 (quoted above) includes patience as part of love. That inclusion proves the exercise of love requires overcoming feelings. Miriam Webster defines patience as “bearing pains or trials calmly or without complaint.”[viii] Patience by definition involves situations of pain and trial. These are not pleasant circumstances for the person in or under them. But love includes overlooking pain and trial caused by another, or at least bearing with it. Even when family members are hard to love, the Bible calls for patience, whether they be believers or not.

It is easy to judge the faults of parents. They are often magnified in the eyes of their children because they have seen them at their worst. Stress in public verses the home, rightly or wrongly, is handled differently. Words are spoken with greater care when the world is watching. Issues are most often addressed with more charity outside the home. That is not to justify these discrepancies. It is a simple observation of fact.

This first article is meant to deal with the ideal. Especially in family relationships, the Bible gives certain parameters that must be observed as a matter of obligation. The Christian is to honor and provide. These things look acceptable and clear on paper, but trying to live them out is another matter. And so the next installment will look at living with family in a fallen world.

[i] Exodus 20:12.

[ii] 1 Timothy 5:18.

[iii] Exodus 20:12.

[iv] Westminster Shorter Catechism #64.

[v] Heidelberg Catechism #39, https://www.heidelberg-catechism.com/en/lords-days/39.html

[vi] 1 Corinthians 13:4-6.

[vii] 2 Timothy 2:13.

[viii] https://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary/patient.

Bible, Children, Christian Living, Family Worship

Meditation on Proverbs 30:7-9

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Father & Son Fishing

I have not done many devotional studies as part of this blog but not too long ago I was reading through Proverbs. As often happens, in reading through a text that I had read many times before, I was struck by something new. Proverbs 30:7-9 says:

“7 Two things I ask of you; deny them not to me before I die: 8 Remove far from me falsehood and lying; give me neither poverty nor riches; feed me with the food that is needful for me, 9 lest I be full and deny you  and say, ‘Who is the LORD?’ or lest I be poor and steal and profane the name of my God.”

This proverb is perhaps unique in that it is a prayer directed to the Lord, a request from a person who has a living faith to the God who sanctifies him. It is by no means intended to be the exclusive prayer of the saint, but it does show the importance of two qualities in the Christian life which are often neglected.

The Importance of Honesty

The proverb directs the believer to ask God to make him an honest, truth-telling person. Perhaps it is overly simplistic to note that this exhortation has to be made. However, the fact that the prayer is offered points out the Christian may still be tempted with, and fall into, dishonesty. As a result, the proverb makes an appeal to the Lord that He would work in the Christian what he is unable to accomplish on his own. The prayer of the proverb is that he be kept from “falsehood and lying.” But why is truthfulness so significant to the Christian?

The Bible teaches that Jesus is the embodiment of the truth (John 14:6), while the devil is the father of lies (John 8:44). Since the Bible calls believers to imitate the Lord (Ephesians 5:1) and since Jesus attributes the lies of the Pharisees to the fact that they are children of the devil (John 8:44), the issue of truth telling is very closely related to spiritual parentage. In fact, speaking the truth is so important that God includes it as part of the Moral Law, summarized in the Ten Commandments. The ninth commandment specifically deals with honesty.

In the Westminster Shorter Catechism’s explanation of the ninth commandment it summarizes its function as “maintaining and promoting of truth between man and man.” That means its intention goes beyond telling the truth in a court of law. Verses like Proverbs 30:7 bear that out as it is addresses removing falsehood and lying in a more general sense.

Falsehood can have an obvious meaning, but there is a sense in which we can actually use the truth to promote falsehood. An example would be gossip. Gossip is a truthful communication of facts for a false end. Of course, falsehood is also the communication of what is not true. An example would be slander. In slander false information, or maybe information that is only partially true is shared. Both gossip and slander show up in Christian circles. The proverb exhorts Christians to ask God to turn them away from those things. However, the more obvious meaning about falsehood deals with lying.

Lying is the willful and intentional distortion or withholding of the truth for the purpose of deceiving another person. So, if someone asks another how his day is going, and he answers with a non-chalant, “fine,” he has not lied even if he did stub his toe earlier in the morning. There is no intent to deceive. But if a person conceals or alters the truth in an attempt to deceive, then he has lied. That person is speaking the language of the devil; it is sinful. And sin requires a Christian response.

The Christian struggling with honesty must repent of his sin. Confession should be made to the Lord and to the person who has been deceived. Yet the Christian is not concerned merely with forgiveness. He delights in the putting on of Christ and His righteousness. That is not simply a forensic and legal condition. The Christian delights to “walk in His ways.” (Deut. 26:17). Prayer is a request for God’s strength to make that a reality, to be enabled to speak the truth in love and forsake the temptation of speaking falsehood and lies. But that is only the first request in the proverb. The second part deals with riches.

The Importance of Contentment

The second part of the prayer offered in the proverb is that of contentment. It asks God to provide for material needs without either deprivation or excess. It is not unlike the fourth petition of the Lord’s Prayer: “Give us this day our daily bread.” (Matthew 6:11). Westminster Shorter Catechism #104 summarizes that petition as asking for a “competent portion of the good things of this life.” That same request is made in this proverb as well. It asks for neither riches nor poverty.

Agur asks the Lord to provide him with his needs so that two scenarios would be avoided. First, he does not wish to be tempted to steal through poverty. Second, he does not wish tempted to deny his need for God because of his riches. And the balance of the Christian life is to receive from God’s hand whatever shape his providential distribution of wealth may take. The riches of eternal life and reconciliation to God received in Christ are of far more worth than any material blessings of this life. Therefore, the heart of the Christian ought first to be delighted with the gift of salvation resulting in contentment in all other circumstances. This proverb is not the only place in the Bible where contentment is urged.

Contentment is the positive subject of the 10th commandment. Negatively, this commandment forbids covetousness, which is a desire for the things providentially given by God to others. But in studying the law of God, the intent in the negatives is not simply to curtail certain behaviors, but to encourage the Christian to pursue the opposite virtue.  The Westminster Shorter Catechism puts it this way:

80. What is required in the tenth commandment?
The tenth commandment requireth full contentment with our own condition, with a right and charitable frame of spirit toward our neighbor, and all that is his.

There is a tremendous emphasis on contentment in the Bible. That contentment is grounded in viewing Christ as the greatest treasure of all. When that treasure is graciously given to a person, all other things will fade into the background. Of course, people fail to live out their gratitude consistently.

1 Timothy 6:10a warns the Christian that “the love of money is a root of all kinds of evils.” Jesus Himself says it another way in Matthew 6:24: “No one can serve two masters, for either he will hate the one and love the other, or he will be devoted to the one and despise the other. You cannot serve God and money.” There is the danger of forming an affectionate attachment to riches, setting them ahead of the Lord, looking to them as what gives joy and purpose. That is to create an idol in life. On the other hand, what is seen in Jesus’ own words is not a rejection of all forms of wealth. That would be to deny that all good gifts come down from heaven (James 1:17). However, the concern for riches should always be a subservient concern. Man’s chief end is to glorify God and enjoy Him forever (Westminster Shorter Catechism #1).

But a love for God is a love for who He is. He is the truth and He is the Christian’s treasure. There is, of course, much more that can be said about God and how belonging to Him changes the Christian. But here in this proverb there are two “acceptable sins” and yet these are singled out for a special prayer by Agur. That makes this section of Scripture a good aid for self-examination and a good place to visit as part of family worship.

Belief about God, Children, church, ordinary means of grace, Parenting

Experiencing Worship with Children

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Lately I’ve been preaching through the “kingdom psalms” (Psalms 93-100). These psalms include as their common theme a call to worship God. That theme got me thinking about Christian parents leading their families to worship. No one is exempt from challenges in leading their family in worship at church. So how can parents live faithfully before God in this area? How can parents responsibly lead their families to meet with God and His people in worship? Those questions could be addressed by sharing information, or it could examine the experience of worship in families.

In this article there will not simply be a consideration of knowledge. Knowledge is crucial to the Christian life. Normally in adults life is a progressive movement from knowledge in the head to belief in the heart to expression with the hands. However, in children parental example is integral to form assumptions in the minds of children. These can have a lasting impact on the way they will understand life as adults. So rather than considering what facts children should know about worship, this article looks at parental leadership and example and how it informs an understanding of worship in children before they may even understand all that is happening. I will begin with a parent’s negative example.

  1. The Impact of Neglecting Worship

There are many reasons why people for a season excuse themselves from worship. Some of them are legitimate, some are understandable but not helpful, and some are simply bad reasons. The latter two will have unwanted negative results in children.

First, there are legitimate reasons. These include suffering an illness, or caring for someone else who is, employment in areas of mercy and necessity. Nurses, doctors, nursing home staff performing necessary medical service to the sick and elderly does nothing to neglect the call to worship, but actually compliments it. There other such reasons, but these legitimate reasons will in no way be a negative example to children.

Second, there are understandable reasons that are not helpful. There are times when, as a pastor, I sympathetically understand why folks stay away from worship. But when I talk to them, I counsel them to be present at worship because it is actually more helpful to them. For example, a person who has suffered a trauma in his life such as the passing of a loved one, or an embarrassing confession of sin may be tempted to stay away. Perhaps the difficulty of repeatedly answering the same painful questions seems too much to handle. These struggling brothers and sisters should be encouraged by the spirit of gentleness displayed by the saints (Gal. 6:1) and welcomed in the church.

However, when worship is neglected in these circumstances, it teaches a lesson for watching children. They see parents worshiping God when things are going well, but when hardship comes worship is withdrawn. They see people looking for comfort and encouragement away from the people of God in their most pressing needs. And yet, the Bible teaches that all circumstances come from the Lord, and so His worship should not be neglected on account of hardship.

Third, there are bad reasons to neglect worship. These reasons include preferring time to visit with friends or family who are in-town for the week-end, catching up on needed work around the house, and so on. The unnecessary neglect of corporate worship is a significant disconnect with a Christian profession of faith. Psalm 122:1 presents the heart of the Christian when it comes to worship: “I was glad when they said to me, ‘Let us go to the house of the Lord!’” (English Standard Version). But for the watching eyes of children, parents who stay away from worship teach children a detrimental lesson with unpredictable consequences.

Using the example of neglecting worship for time with family and friends, parents in that moment teach the child, perhaps unintentionally, that family is more important than God. I do not know Christian parents who would say that, but their actions at time establish that. The choice has been presented and God has not been preferred. And once that choice has been presented as a legitimate option, the parent will have no grounds to object to the preference of personal choice in any other area. Children may apply the same choice to recreation, work, or other things. In that scenario, actions have spoken and the lesson is clearly taught.

  1. A Valuable Lesson to Be Taught by Being Present in Worship

But parents do come to worship. They do set a positive example by being present at church, which has positive practical consequences. Broadly speaking, participating in worship gives children a healthy understanding of their importance compared to God.  An important aspect of being a well-adjusted person is the correct understanding of personal importance. In today’s self-help secular parenting world, children are often raised to think they are uniquely special. Their needs are to be met, and their opinions are to be respected and maybe even followed. Of course, it is good to make sure children know they are precious to their parents. But that affirmation should have limits. No child is more precious that God. And so, it is good for children to learn there are moments where their personal preferences and desires must “take a back seat.” Worship is one of those moments. What parents allow and forbid as part of worship prepares a child to recognize that he and God are not peers, which has further implications for all of life. Parents can set prohibitions and requirements to aid in learning that lesson.

First, children should not be an unnecessary distraction in worship. The church has gathered to focus on the Lord, not to focus on children. Therefore, no child should be allowed to make himself the focus either by excessive noise, disobedience, or turning around in the seat and entertaining the people sitting behind. When a child is not able to be in church without becoming a distraction, he should not remain. Perhaps there is a quick fix that can happen in the foyer of the church. Perhaps more training is necessary in the home to prepare a child to sit still. If the church has a nursery, parents should take advantage. Parents themselves should then assess together what is missing that would enable their child to be part of corporate worship. It is not always easy to discern, however a constant parade in and out of a service to correct a wayward child, indicates that child may not be ready to sit in church. Not only will both parent and child not participate in worship, most likely the people around them will not either. And that is to miss the purpose for coming together. Do not misunderstand. As a pastor, I am glad to hear the noises of a child learning to adjust himself to worship. The loud, off-key singing is great. The out-loud answer to rhetorical questions in the sermon often puts the adults to shame. Even the restless wiggles being brought under control should not distract a person who has come to worship. But there is a point when a child becomes an unhealthy distraction.

Second, children should not be permitted to act on every impulse they have during worship. The two main culprits in this regard are probably requests from children for drinks of water and going to the bathroom. Dealing with requests for drinks of water is by far the easier of the two. From a practical standpoint, it is highly unlikely that your child will not survive the remaining 30 minutes of a service without a drink of water. Requests for a visit to the bathroom carry with them a greater sense of risk. However, just a little bit of thinking ahead can even alleviate the urgency of this question. Parents can require a visit to the facilities before the service starts. That requires attentiveness from the parents and perhaps a couple of calculated but risky refusals.

In reality, children asking about bathrooms and water fountains are probably looking for a reprieve from sitting still more than presenting an actual need. But whatever the case, here parents have an opportunity to practically demonstrate that the child is not as important as the worship of God. A parent may say, “No son. We are here to worship the Lord. You can wait for a drink until we are done.” That refusal demonstrates to the child that their impulse for a drink or simply to move around does not outweigh or supersede the call to glorify God in the context of the gathered worship of His people.

Third, children should be prepared to participate in worship. Some preparation will happen through the accumulation of experience in worship. The week-in, week-out participation in Sunday worship will make children relax and enable them to join in. However, there are also some proactive things that can be done at home. For churches which recite creeds or the Lord’s Prayer corporately, children can be helped in committing them to memory. Once memorized they will be able to participate. Parents can insist that older children participate in the songs of the church and give them a little pro-active “coaching.” Perhaps it is as simple as, “Remember, we are going to worship the Lord today, and I want to see you singing along with the rest of the people.” Parents can also provide ways to help children listen to preaching. Children can be encouraged to write down a few notes of things they heard the pastor say. However, be careful that this tool is not allowed to cause the child to tune out what is said as he develops his favorite cartoon characters. In all these ways, children can be shown the privilege of worshiping God. And the aim is not just quiet children, but those who respect worship and, more significantly, participate in it.

All parents have failed in leading their family in worship. Some have been too lacks, others too strict. But past failures should not excuse a renewed commitment around healthy expectations in our families regarding the worship God. Parental instruction or example should not undermine the supremacy of God, and where parents have allowed that to happen, adjustments should be made. That is no cause for shame or embarrassment. It is a necessary and on-going correction that all people must at times make. It is part of their own sanctification and their responsibility to present their children to the Lord for worship.

Children, Christian Living, Family Worship

Tips for Family Worship

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Christian parents, practice family worship, family devotions, or whatever it is that you would like to call it. There is an urgency to the responsibility of parents. And one of the things parents must take most seriously is the call to teach their children the word of God.

“Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger, but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord.” (Ephesians 6:4)

I recognize the text says, “Fathers…” but this article is written in the context of the proliferation of divorce and single parent families. And in the homes where the father is not present or is neglecting his duty, the responsibility to fulfill this task falls to the mother or other primary care givers. So, to those who have been given responsibility to raise children, the Biblical mandate is that we are to be actively discipling them. There should be no expectation that you or your methods will be able to awaken the child’s heart, but it is good and right to plead with God that He would use your ministry to them in a saving way. And though this article will try to give some helps in the area of how family worship can be done, it is actually far more important that family worship is done.

Learning the skill of leading family worship is done “on the job.” If I can assume agreement that discipling your children is a worthwhile enterprise and that parents are generally speaking trying to make it happen (albeit imperfectly and maybe inconsistently), let me encourage you. As family worship is practiced, it will become easier and more natural. Personal styles will be developed, children will get used it as a feature of their home, and wonderful conversations about important truths will be had. However, there will be days when efforts to gather the family will seem like they are not helping anyone at all. In that day of discouragement, do not yield to the voice that whispers, “Why bother?” Press on, because God entrusts the responsibility to teach His children to parents. They have the blessing of scattering seed that may not sprout or bear fruit until years after it is sown. Who knows how God waters the seeds parents sow. But there must be a commitment to regular Bible study with the family. What if that commitment is not there? Where it is lacking it should be taken up. And where that discipline is inconsistent, it should be practiced more regularly. It is part of your parental example to your children as you prepare them to leave your home.

Having said all that, the aim of this article is not to make the case for family worship. Rather it is meant to provide encouragement for parents who are in the middle of it. By providing a few helps, parents can be greatly encouraged in their pursuit of teaching and applying God’s word in the lives of their children. So what are some things you can do to help family worship?

Make an appointment. In my experience family worship is most faithfully done when there is a regular set time for it. Most people are not likely to skip appointments. However, it has been my experience that people who set out to do family worship “when they get to it” struggle more with actually doing it. There are lots of opportunities for informal discussions about the things of the Lord throughout the day. And these are wonderful and good. But in these moments, an issue arises, either positive or negative, and parent either praises or corrects. However, the getting together, opening the Bible, and letting God’s word choose the topic happens best by setting aside a regular time. For some that will be waking the family first thing in the morning. For others it makes sense to schedule time right before bedtime. And others still take advantage of the family gathered for a meal. Whatever timing works best for your family, schedule a time.

Open the Bible and read it to your children. A person who trusts his profound lesson or great method will have missed the main reason for family worship: to teach God’s word to his children. The most important part of family worship is the clear, sincere, and eager reading of God’s word. Yes, the Word can and should be explained. Yes, how you engage your children matters. However, the key component to teaching children the Bible is…the Bible.

Consider the age of your children. One of the mistakes I made when I began family worship was expecting too much with my little kids when it came to family worship. Little kids are…little. Their attention spans are usually shorter and they lack the theological vocabulary that may have acquired in years of gradual study. For young children, keep the readings brief and focus on the accounts of Scripture. It is not wise to read devotionally to a three-year old from Calvin’s Institutes, or some other theological work. At the same time, as they mature, it is good and even necessary to have more significant conversations to find out if they have understood. It is important to explain and define significant theological terms. And when there are a variety of ages, these things will have to be held in balance. Do not simply teach to the lowest common denominator. Spend time addressing each group according to their age.

Do not overwhelm yourself with too much preparation. This tip may seem counter-intuitive. But it is a simple call to using time efficiently. There can be tremendous benefit to using what has already been studied. For example, thoughts that arise from personal devotions or rehearsing the message of the sermon preached the previous Lord’s Day are efficient uses of time. Certainly, there are seasons in which personal preparation for a certain study will greatly benefit the family. However, those who seek to reinvent the wheel each family worship lesson will be more prone to becoming wearied in the process. These will be more tempted to abandon the practice because they do not have the emotional energy to continue.

Include the children in the exercise. The goal of family worship is not just to have family worship. Rather it is to instill into children a knowledge of who God is and what duties He requires of His people. To that end, family worship should be highly interactive. Some examples:

    • Have the children read a part of the Scripture if they are able, even if it is just one verse.
    • Have them participate the prayer time, whether it be by asking for specific prayer requests, or if it is by having them offer their own prayer in turn.
    • Include singing if you can. For little ones sing “childish” Bible songs, even if you seem to sing it every night for one month. But also teach the songs most frequently sung in church services. For older ones, reinforce the songs of the saints and speak highly of them. If there are some family favorites that your local church does not sing, integrate them into family worship. If music is a struggle, have some good recorded music and singing available.
    • Ask questions of the children about what was read, and invite their questions. Answer them as you can but if you do not know the answer, admit it and tell them you will find the answer and get back to them. When you say that, you actually have to do it as well.

These suggestions are not the result of some scientific study or a careful survey. They come from about 27 years of practicing family worship in my home and time spent in pastoral ministry. Not all family worship will look the same. There will be variety based on each family’s personality. But family worship should be done as Christian parents seek to fulfill their biblical obligation to raise their children up in the knowledge of the Lord.

Children, Christian Living, Culture

Sending Out Your Young Men

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“I am reminded of your sincere faith, a faith that dwelt first in your grandmother Lois and your mother Eunice and now, I am sure, dwells in you as well. For this reason I remind you to fan into flame the gift of God, which is in you through the laying on of my hands,  for God gave us a spirit not of fear but of power and love and self-control.“
(2 Timothy 1:5-7)

As much as a father like to fix his son’s behavior, the most important thing he can leave him with is the very thing that gives meaning and structure to life. And that thing is not found in good behavior. To only instill good behavior in our sons is to give them a fish, but not a fishing pole. There is tremendous benefit for life in learning social graces, courtesies and so on. In a Christian home, specific commandments and their applications as derived from God’s word will help sons know how holiness is rightly expressed. And a good father will teach these things. Yet, a father cannot be satisfied sending his son out of his home, knowing that he is a “fine young man.” He must show to his son an abiding focal point that will motivate and direct a young man to consider why he does what he does no matter what circumstances he may face in life. And this focal point is only found in the gospel.

In using the word “gospel” what is in view is the good news of salvation for sinners through the blood of Christ received by faith. And though it may seem like it is abstract and intangible, in reality it is quite different. A right understanding of the gospel will touch every part of life. It will effect what is done in marriage, as a father, in prayer and study of God’s word, what church is attended and served, how money is managed, sexual faithfulness, and even how a man prepares for death. If those issues are not pressing into a young man’s “present”, he will face them one day or another. This gospel must be known, understood, and received by faith. So what is this gospel, specifically?

The gospel cannot be reduced to a slick phrase, a slogan, or a bumper sticker. These kinds of catchy sayings are all around us, thanks in no small part to the advertising industry. Tag lines are remembered, jingles can be sung long after they have been heard, and yet life cannot be ordered around them. There is, in a sense, a simple gospel message, but the reality and the full weight of the gospel is understood when the context within which this good news is given is felt. The message itself and the context of it are given in the Bible, God’s story of the way He saves sinful man by the blood of His Son.

The summary statement talks of forgiveness by the gracious application of the blood of Christ by the Holy Spirit to the heart of sinful men through faith in His  perfect obedience and sacrifice. But around that simple statement is the larger context of that message of hope. That context includes God as creator making all things visible and invisible. God who rules and reigns over this creation, who sets the rules, and determines consequences and punishments. It includes man as sinner, eternally indebted to the creator for his many sins against Him. It includes Christ as redeemer, shedding His precious blood to satisfy the debt owed by men. These things must be known, and when they are they serve as a foundation for a grateful life.

Bible, Children, Christian Living, Culture

The Christian and Profanity

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There is much discussion in the Christian world about liberty. This post is not concerned with civil liberties as such. The question is not whether society should, on the one hand, allow recreational drugs or prostitution or some other “victimless crime.” Neither is it investigating whether society should, on the other hand, mandate the use of masks or vaccinations. Perhaps another day. Rather it is dealing with the Christian’s liberty that is found in Christ.

For freedom Christ has set us free; stand firm therefore, and do not submit again to a yoke of slavery. Galatians 5:1 (ESV).

One of the debates within Christian circles is to what extent our behavior is not restricted under Christ. There is a false defense of Christian liberty that claims a Christian is free to express himself according to his own desires, because Christ has paid for sin. That, of course is a gross generalization of a position people take. But it is a position that I have heard articulated and as expressed it is a mind-boggling denial of God’s wrath against sin and His hatred of it. God views sin with such anger that He sent His Son to die a horrific death on a cross to satisfy the guilt for the same. One of the areas where “trendy” Christians are seeking to carve out ungodly liberty is in the use of profanity and cursing. Is there a place for such speech in the Christian?

Christian liberty does not make room for disobedience to God’s word. The Westminster Confession of Faith says this about Christian liberty:

“They who, upon pretense of Christian liberty, do practice any sin, or cherish any lust, do thereby destroy the end of Christian liberty, which is, that being delivered out of the hands of our enemies, we might serve the Lord without fear, in holiness and righteousness before him, all the days of our life.” (WCF, Chapter 20.3)

The purpose of liberty is to serve God, being set apart by His word to reflect Him as His adopted children. Therefore what does the Lord say about speech? In Colossians Paul exhorts the one who is raised with Christ to set their minds on the things above. That means putting on righteousness, and putting off what is earthly (Col. 3:5). Included in that putting off is the putting away of “anger, wrath, malice, slander, and obscene talk from your mouth.” (Col. 3:8). In another place Paul gives similar instructions when he charges the Christian to “let no corrupting talk come out of your mouths, but only such as is good for building up, as fits the occasion, that it may give grace to those who hear.” (Eph. 4:29). Obscenity and corrupting talk are out of place for the Christian. The Bible plainly says so. If you begin arguing at this point that your profanity is not “obscene” or that you are using it to build others up, I can not help you. You are committed to your disobedience. The statements from Scripture could not be clearer. In this case, the desire for nuance can only be taken as a desire for license.

Are there times when Paul uses strong language in his letters? Some people would argue he does as a justification for their own speech. Even if you make that argument, you cannot argue that he does so habitually. Maybe one or two places in all his written words can be used as potential examples (“rubbish” Phil. 3:8 or “emasculate” in Gal. 5:12). Moreover, the words he uses  are hardly the same as the adoption of the vulgar and crude language of society which resorts to the crassest expressions of bodily functions and sexual activity. Brothers and sisters, these things should not even be named among us (Eph. 5:11-12). Yes, it is true that Christ has come and fulfilled all the law for the Christian. And, yes, it is true that all the sins of all God’s people are forgiven in Christ. But Christ work on the cross in no way diminishes the holiness of God. It in no way reduces the call to be holy and He is holy (1 Pet. 1:16). It in no way permits a despising of Christ’s sacrifice by engaging in the wickedness of the world.

Here is the sad thing. Even the world knows that certain language should not be used in the presence of children. We have an organization that ensures language for movies is rated, and that words are edited out of TV shows. There is, even in the world, an acknowledgement that these words are inappropriate. How is it that the Christian who has the Spirit and the Word of God would so badly miss this point?

 

Children, Christian Living, church, Parenting

Children in Church

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One of the advantages of having your children with you during the worship service is that you will sing the same songs, pray the same prayers, and hear the same sermon preached. Sharing in this kind of worship is crucial to the inter-generational health of the church. There are many people who have written about the benefit of including children in worship. This article is not meant to rehearse those points. Instead, it is meant to discuss how you can ensure your child is able to participate in worship without distracting others from worship.

The first thing to note is that children must be taught to participate in worship at home. If you try to teach your children to worship God when you are at church, you will fail. Not only does your child quickly recognize that he has you in a hostage situation (that’s right, they think in those terms), you also will not be able to teach and direct them in the moment. What you will have is a recipe for a frustrated and maybe even exasperated parent. Just yesterday my youngest son who is 3 years old cried out when mom thought she had to be an emergency fill-in at the piano. That incident was a good reminder that we have more work to do with that little guy. But that training should not begin at church. Instead, train your children at home to prepare them to participate in corporate worship. Some suggestions:

Teach your children the songs of your church. It doesn’t matter if you are part of a church that sings contemporary songs, or one that has convictions of singing only psalms. Most of us will probably be somewhere in between. Wherever you are on the spectrum, make sure you are teaching your children the songs that are sung at your church. Pick the ones sung most often first and build a repertoire. If you are not a good singer, find the songs on YouTube or buy CDs with the songs on them. Children can learn songs quickly. Knowing the songs of the church will allow them to participate in the worship of the church.

Teach your children the prayers of your church. In the congregation I serve, we recite the Lord’s Prayer every Sunday. If your church has something similar, it is good for your children to know the Lord’s Prayer, or whatever else it may be. That means parents must teach them this prayer at home. It is true. They will probably be saying some words they do not completely understand. However, when your children are young complete comprehension is not the goal. Rather it is to teach them that they belong to the church. They must learn they are part of the body, and so they must see themselves participating in the body. Certainly that goal changes as they get older.

Teach your children to sit still without any external stimuli. Children are easily distracted in church. Some will hone their drawing skills. Others will be entertained with iPads. Parents are likely trying to achieve a measure of order through these devices. But there is a better way. As parents you must instill in your children the ability to listen. That means you must find opportunities at home to teach your children the skills they need to participate in worship.

For example, when you read the Bible together as a family, teach your children to sit still. That means no coloring or doodling, no iPad or iPhone to keep them quiet. Just sitting and listening. That is all. For the little ones do not make this time too long. Do so in short stints of 5 minutes or less. You may need to hold them on your lap. You may tell them that now is not the time to play but to listen. But you must require their compliance and accept nothing less than compliance. When your children are older you should be able to explain what you are trying to accomplish. That will give your children the skills to participate in worship. And then when your children hear something in the song or sermon or Bible reading and smile up at you knowingly, you smile at them, affirm them in their listening, and continue to lead them toward Christ at home.

By training giving your children the right knowledge and skills, you will give them opportunities to participate in the most important aspect of the life of the church: the worship of God. But to help your children see this benefit you must teach them at home first. And from the home they can be a welcome part of the life of the church.