Last installment outlined the obligations of the Christian in his extended family. These are unique among all relationships a Christian may have in the world in that they are joined with the biblical directives to honor and provide for family. The complicating factor, as it is being considered, is that family, especially those who are not in Christ, can create significant disruptions in Christian homes. This second installment is looking beyond the biblical obligations and seeking to apply these things in the areas where it seems difficult.
Responding to Sin
It is possible to have many concerns about unbelieving family members, especially if relational tensions currently running high. The reality of a fallen world means that there are cautions that should be considered, even in light of the obligations to honor and provide as outlined in part 1. There are family members that are destructive and heinous sins that cannot be overlooked. These may rightly create the need for physical and/or emotional distance between family members.
Though not all complications that arise in families are of the same caliber; and though the principles of honor and provision always apply in some form, the fifth commandment is not to obeyed as an absolute command that can never considered with reference to a particular circumstance. The Bible does not require the Christian to submit himself to public ridicule or physical danger caused by the unrepentant and repeated sin of an extended family member. It does not require parents to put their children in situations where they may be emotionally or physically hurt. In those instances the command to honor and provide is considered in tandem with the additional obligation to nurture and care for children. In those cases the biblical call to honor, love, act faithfully, submit, and be patient are still the default though the practice of these things may look different than in instances where the sin is not present.
Take, for example, a situation where a family member belittles others for their faith in Christ, constantly blasphemes the name of the Lord or whose temper is out of control, where physical or sexual abuse is a real danger. In these instances, it is right to obey the fifth commandment from afar. The sinful behavior of family members may require the Christian to remove themselves from their company (for a time, or maybe even permanently). In these few cases, the danger and damage of sin necessitates the removal, not some private desire for vengeance or getting even.
Responding to Annoyance
For most Christians, the answer to how to behave among unbelieving extended family members will not be found by considering the extraordinary circumstances described above. Again, these cases will be rare. The difficulty most Christians will have with extended family members is dealing with the minor hurts and annoyances that come with being a Christian among unbelievers. There may be a feeling of aloneness because no one in the family values the things important to the Christian. There may be exclusion from certain family events which are scheduled on the Lord’s Day and other things like these. How does the Christian navigate these annoying parts of life with unbelieving family members? Below are a few practical considerations.
Do not respond in like manner. People say hurtful things. Part of honoring unbelieving parents and family members in general is not to respond in like manner when they make small belittling comments. That does not mean the Christian could not respond in some way. More on that below. However, Christians are to bear with their enemies (Matthew 5:44). And if that is so for enemies, how much more for irritating family members.
When the Christian experiences minor hurt because of insensitivity or a sense of disapproval or disrespect, though there may be a natural distances that develops in those relationships, the Bible still calls the Christian to honor and provide. How can that be done?
- By insisting that their children address unbelieving grand-parents, uncles and aunts with a proper respectful title.
- By refraining from criticizing these extended family members in front of their children.
- By making a point of sincerely thanking the unbelieving and difficult parent for the blessings they have bestowed on their family.
Other such verbal acknowledgements of respect or restraints of criticism are appropriate, even when there have been some minor emotional hurts that have been received.
Providing financially for family. Faithfulness is a fruit of the Holy Spirit and can be seen in how the Christian member responds when unbelieving family members are in need. The Bible views financial assistance to family as an essential trait of Christian charity: “But if anyone does not provide for his relatives, and especially for members of his household, he has denied the faith and is worse than an unbeliever.”[i] It is not right to expect others, who are not related, to provide for parents, children, and siblings who are in need no matter how they have hurt or annoyed. Where help is needed, the Christian should be prepared to provide it, even if relationships are strained. That does not mean sharing a home, or even frequent visits. However, material care can and should be offered.
Providing clarity in the case of offenses. It can be difficult to speak or hurt and sin with those who hold a different understanding of how the world works. The risk of misunderstanding is great. But if an offense cannot be overlooked, Christians should communicate clearly the reasons and nature of the received offense also to unbelievers. That should be done with charity, not assuming guilt, seeking explanation, and with a desire to reconcile. Remember, “love covers a multitude of sins”[ii] and the Christian’s first impulse should be to cover in love. However, if covering is not possible, a honest, compassionate, but yet a direct explanation of the problem should be pursued. The outcome of this conversation may be distance in the relationship, either because the offender would not listen, or because the offender becomes angry because of the confrontation, no matter how gently it was done.
Be quick to forgive. The greatness of the forgiveness of the Lord for His people through Christ Jesus should make them the most eager to forgive others. “Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you.”[iii] It is easy to hold on to offenses. But because God does not hold on to the offense of the sins of repentant sinners, so also the Christian should be quick to forgive. That is especially the case with family members. Should they make an apology, the Christian should be quick to accept it, even if it is not framed in biblical terminology.
There is much more that could be said, but the summary of the fifth commandment by the Heidelberg Catechism gives a good starting point.
Q. What does God require in the fifth commandment?
A. That I show all honor, love, and faithfulness to my father and mother and to all those in authority over me, submit myself with due obedience to their good instruction and discipline, and also have patience with their weaknesses and shortcomings, since it is God’s will to govern us by their hand.[iv]
God is the One who establishes families, and also in His providence the specific members of families. They are not all easy to get along with, especially when they do not share a common faith. But in all instances, God is to be worshiped. And so the Christian should live among unbelieving family members with a desire to honor and love them, to help their family unit as needed, to show deference where possible, and to patiently bear with their weaknesses. It is not always an easy ministry, but it is a ministry that when done in obedience to the Lord gives Him great glory.
[i] 1 Timothy 5:8.
[ii] 1 Peter 4:8.
[iii] Ephesians 4:32.
[iv] Heidelberg Catechism #39, https://www.heidelberg-catechism.com/en/lords-days/39.html
