Last post we talked about personal and family worship as essential to the health of the family. Though we recognize the significance of family worship, sometimes the “how” of implementing this joyful duty is less clear. Below are some thoughts on what to include as we lead our families in worship.
Pray Together. Children learn how to pray from their parents. If they never hear us pray for anything other than the meal, how will they develop in prayer? For our children who are just learning to pray, we can supply some basic guidelines for their prayers. In our home, a staple for our youngest prayers is asking God to forgive their sin and thanking him for taking care of them. As children grow in maturity, they quickly learn to verbalize their own thoughts. Since these thoughts have various degrees of purity and faithfulness to God’s will, we should take time to instruct our children in prayer. Fortunately the Bible supplies the model in the Lord’s Prayer. Not only should we teach them to memorize the prayer, but also instruct them as to what the six petitions mean. Westminster Shorter Catechism numbers 100-107 provide great help to us.
Study Together. As basic as this truth may seem in a post on Family Worship it still must be said. Parents are to set the words and commands of God before our children (Cf. Deut. 6:6-7). We cannot fulfill this parental responsibility when the book in which the words are found is never opened. The next question in your mind might be: “But what should I study from God’s word?” I have some thoughts on that question, but it will wait until the next post. For now let us recognize that we must study the Bible with our children if we expect them to know it.
Sing Together. Even though there is a healthy range in musical ability across families, psalms and hymns should be sung in our homes. For some this task is easy due of the musical gifts the Lord has given. For others, this part of family worship is more difficult. In extreme cases, mp3s and CDs can provide the necessary scaffolding to be able to sing together. However, for the most part, we should pick up our favorite psalter and hymnal and worship God in song together, even if it is only a joyful noise. Even 3 year-olds can easily learn psalms and hymns. Once known, they will have the opportunity to participate in the church’s worship when those songs are selected by the pastor. As our children mature we can teach them to sing parts and have them accompany our singing with different instruments, all to the praise and glory of God.
Family worship can be a tremendous spiritual catalyst. As the Holy Spirit gives fruit, our children will learn how to pray, participate in congregational worship, and hear the very promises and commands of God. Do not deprive your children of that opportunity.
Within the family context, God’s word provides us with the stability we need live for his glory. Therefore it is important that we are students of the Bible. Our personal worship is of most significance. From our private practice of Bible study we will build our leadership in family worship. Our teaching to our children will only be as meaningful as our personal worship is strong. So a couple of thoughts about these activities:
Personal Worship. Our personal study of God’s promises and commandments prepares us for our public practice of them. Now I know we should not read the Bible to pull up our Bible reading app and fool our phones into thinking we are good Christians. If we read for the praise of man or our smart phone app, we have received our reward. Instead, our reading should flow from a deep love for our Savior and a desire to know how we should express our love for him. Psalm 119 is a perfect example of how we should feel about the study of God’s word. The psalmist uses words such as “praise”, “delight”, and “wondrous”, to describe his study of God’s commands. As we give our attention to our Savior’s words, we can ask him to open our eyes to see wondrous things out of his law (Ps. 119:18).
Family Worship. We fathers must make sure to lead our families in Bible study each day. In doing so, we model how to study God’s word to our children. This task can be intimidating which tempts us toward dangerous and harmful extremes. On the one hand we may do too much. If we find ourselves coming to family worship with a 20 page, single spaced, heavily foot-noted treatise on the meaning of the wheel covered in eyes in Ezekiel 1, we are trying too hard. If that is our practice, we are teaching our children God’s word is too complicated and boring. On the other hand we can do way too little. If we find ourselves not doing family worship because we have to be at the next extra-curricular commitment for our children we are doing too little. The failure to practice anything teaches our children that hobbies are more important than God’s word.
So how do we make personal and family worship healthy, balanced and meaningful? Of course, we must practice it in the first place. But then, the Westminster Shorter Catechism #3 gives two simple questions we can ask of any biblical passage we read: 1. What does this passage teach us about what we should believe about God? and 2. What does this passage teach us about our duty toward God? Every passage will address either one, or both of these questions. Then take the time to explain what you are learning to your children. Teach them God’s word and pray that he would use your feeble efforts to open their eyes and see the truth of God’s promises in all their beauty.
The 10th commandment concludes God’s instructions through the Decalogue on how we can properly express our love to God. This commandment does not deal with action so much as it does with attitude, making it stand out from the previous eight ordinances God gave Moses. You do not “do” covetousness in the same way you steal or commit adultery. It is simply present in your motivations and emotions.
Covetousness is seen in many of the accounts of Scripture. Achan coveted the things from Jericho devoted to God. David coveted Bathsheba. Absalom coveted the throne of his father David. Although the objects these three men covet are different, there is one common thread tying these examples together: dissatisfaction. Those who covet are unhappy with that which God, in his goodness, has given to them. They are struggling with contentment.
Jeremiah Burroughs defines contentment as follows: “Contentment is the inward, quiet, gracious frame of spirit, freely submitting to and taking pleasure in God’s disposal in every condition.”(1) According to Burroughs, contentment is not a grudging submission to God, but actually taking pleasure in our God-given circumstances. Contentment is learning to delight in all God has planned for us. If you want to pass that lesson on to your children, be assured that giving them everything they want will not help. So what are some ways we can help our children learn contentment?
- Teach your children to love God. Many of us have an exaggerated sense of “needs” versus something we would like to have. Needs are actually a fairly small category: food and clothing (1 Tim. 6:8). For the Christian, God is the central desire. When God, through Christ, occupies such an exalted place, toys, free time, hobbies and recreations should not cause us to grumble against our creator.
- Encourage your children to rejoice at a sibling’s success. Our children do not need to be the object of everyone’s praise and attention. Let them learn to cheer on siblings at their soccer games and take interest in their piano recital. Help them recognize when brother or sister needs a hug. Encourage them to be happy to participate in someone else’s chosen game.
- Teach your children to serve. From a very early age, children can learn to be part of the family. This lesson can easily be learned through participation in family chores. Even little children can learn to bring their plastic plate to the counter after lunch is over. Sincere service is a good instructor toward contentment.
Each of us face difficult circumstances, from a human perspective. However, we are the people of God and are to serve him alone. Nothing else should supplant him as the object of our desires. Yet often by allowing discontentment in our families, we are teaching our children to place their own desires before things God has determined for our good. Do not covet.
(1) Jeremiah Burroughs, The Rare Jewel of Christian Contentment, (The Banner of Truth Trust, Versa Press Inc.: East Peoria, IL, 1964). 40.
“Do not bear false witness…” It sounds so legal. Do we really have to prepare our children for the courtroom? Well, in a sense yes. As parents we are called to teach our children diligently throughout our day, to love God’s word. So, as parents, we are preparing our children for the courtroom by teaching them the importance of the truth. Our level of commitment in this area may greatly influence them should they stand in a courtroom one day.
In the Bible, God is identified as the truth. Jesus teaches his disciples he “is the way, and the truth, and the life.” (John 14:6, ESV). Our false witness bearing, therefore, is really an attack on the character of God. It is possible we are permitting such attacks in our homes. Let’s look at a few possible ways this happens and some suggested remedies.
- Tattling. One form of false-witness bearing shows up as soon as children can talk: tattling. When a child tattles he does not necessarily speak lies, but his primary concern is not truth. The heart attitude behind tattling is one of delighting in someone’s affliction, whether justified or not. What we will want to teach our children is a love for truth. To use the truth for sinful purposes represents a corruption of something beautiful. Instead help your children find opportunities to help, encourage, and build up others.
- Lying. Lying is a deliberate misrepresentation of the truth. Our children might lie to look impressive, get out of trouble, or for a number of other reasons. Lying says, “I will preserve and further myself.” I have always found a child’s lie a particularly painful experience in parenting because it reveals our child’s heart. Avoiding trouble is more important to them in those moments than truth and trust. The antidote is to model honesty to your children, to praise them when they tell the truth, and require them to be honest. All lies, no matter how small they may seem, matter. Do not permit them in your home.
- Deception. Deception is almost identical to lying. The only difference is that, in deception, the person acts rather than speaks. For example, the child who smuggles books, food or other contraband into bed. At root, the intention of lying and deception is the same: to mask truth to further our agenda. As parents we cannot permit our children to keep their contraband. But don’t miss the opportunity to look into the window the deceiver has given you into his heart: their personal pleasure is more important to them than honoring God.
Our children will, at times, make decisions that disappoint and hurt us. Though painful, their actions should not be surprising. They, like we, are sinners. It is our job to disciple our children through these sinful decisions. We are to lead them in a pursuit of God through Christ who is the way, the truth and the life.
When we think about stealing we usually begin with the assumption that one man takes what belongs to another without permission. But perhaps we should back up a little. Perhaps we should begin with the knowledge that all things belong to God. That would mean, ultimately, that stealing is taking that which God gave to another and making it our own. In other words, theft is a man-centered rebellion against God’s distribution of his possessions. This understanding makes the offense a bit weightier and in need of our attention.
The Westminster Shorter Catechism, a 17th century doctrinal summary of what the Bible teaches, states the positive requirements of the commandment not to steal as the “lawful procuring and furthering the wealth and outward estate of ourselves and others.” (WSC #74). What are some ways we allow our children to violate this commandment right under our noses?
- Taking without asking. Seems obvious, but so much of it happens in such a mundane way. Taking food without asking, appropriating mom and dad’s favorite wardrobe items, playing with toys. These are all be examples of theft. Hardly the equivalent of grand theft auto, but theft nonetheless.
- Cheating. The more common forms of cheating in parenting will deal with school and games. When our children cheat on tests, they are using a short-cut. They are stealing the time it took another person to study and trying to reap their benefits. Cheating in board-games and sports means the “thief” tries to further his own outward estate without abiding by the laws of the game.
- Manipulation. The manipulator is a creative thief. They convince someone to hand over their possessions. However, the reason behind their behavior is the same. When our children convince a younger sibling to trade a “little” dime for a “huge” nickel, the aggressor wants that dime. The problem for him is that it was either not given to him, or he did not work to earn it. Instead of applying proper work to obtain his own dime, the child uses a slight-of-hand approach.
- Emotional Theft. Perhaps one of our children has competed in a race and won. He comes exuberantly to show his ribbon. If his sibling’s response is to say, “You weren’t even close to the record,” or “Last year I ran this race faster,” they are stealing joy or delight from their brother or sister. This kind of behavior also manifests itself if a child is in the middle of an exciting story and the brother or sister jumps in right before the climax and finishes it off for them.
So now what? Parenting is never done well from a couch or an armchair. It requires action, wisdom, authority and time, and lots of it. Make sure your children understand the implications of the commandment not to steal. If they do, teach them to restore what they have taken, if that is possible. But also spend time giving them the opportunity to be generous and willing to share.
Adultery. It is a prominent theme in the entertainment and fashion of our culture. I do not mean that every TV show or movie is about adultery, but adultery is part of most entertainment we see. Maybe not physical adultery, but sexual innuendos, provocative dress, unbridled passion between unmarried people… They all feed into a spirit of adultery.
Christians understand the Bible forbids adultery. It clearly condemns the physical kind in Exodus 20:15. Jesus broadens the application of the 7th commandment when he says, “You have heard that it was said, ‘You shall not commit adultery.’ But I say to you that everyone who looks at a woman with lustful intent has already committed adultery with her in his heart.” (Matt. 5:27-28). These words turn adultery from an exclusively physical act into something found also in our thoughts and motivations. Our culture’s constant portrayal of adultery as something normal can easily take root in us, let alone our children. So what guidance can we give them to help conform their minds to Christ instead of the world?
- Teach Your Daughters to Dress Modestly. I know there is disagreement as to what is modest and provocative when it comes to dress. However, we should not therefore assume that everything is modest. Let me offer a solution. Look at the headlines of the fashion magazines. Many are explicitly geared toward a woman’s sexual appeal to men. They are trying to help their readers achieve these headlines in part through fashion. So, if my daughter has a “look” resembling what is in those magazines, she is wearing clothing designed to achieve sexual appeal. This clothing violates the 7th commandment by inviting lust.
- Teach Your Sons to Respect Women. People critical of discussions on modesty often ask the following question: “Why is the responsibility for keeping the 7th commandment always the girls’?” They make a very good point. In Jesus’ Sermon on the Mount the assumption is that you do not have to look lustfully. It is a choice, and a sinful one at that. Teach your sons to respect the ladies they meet. Teach them to look them in the eye, to be sincerely interested in them as people, and to delight in serving them. The “oogler” violates the 7th commandment by practicing lust.
- Control Your Family Entertainment Mediums. In parenting, we are trying to help our children think according to God’s word. We will not be able to compete with a billion dollar industry when it comes to presentation. Be wise. Just because it’s on and keeps our children occupied does not mean it is godly or good. Parental laziness violates the 7th commandment by not protecting our children from lustful thought patterns.
What are we hoping to accomplish in our homes? We are charged by God to show our children what it means to love him. Let us be diligent, not surrendering our children’s minds to the patterns of this world.
I’m assuming most people are not having to spend inordinate amounts of time trying to explain to their children that homicide is sinful. It is a basic idea: murder is not okay. Even little children understand this truth. However, how many of us are thinking beyond the narrow reading of the sixth commandment and seeing the broader application as defined by Jesus in the Sermon on the Mount? Jesus expands our understanding of murder. He puts anger and murder in the same category: a failure to rule over your emotions and passions. In Matthew 5:21-24, Jesus uses strong language to warn those who neglect this commandment with the “fire of hell.” I wonder if we take that warning seriously enough to help our children navigate through the difficult challenges of managing their feelings and emotions according to the word of God?
Emotions are powerful and can easily be abused even while doing something “good.” I remember from my own childhood. During family worship one evening my older brother and I were asked to recite our memory work from Matthew 11:28-30. As my older brother struggled through the verses I sought to “help” him when he got stuck. I remember delighting in showing him how much better I knew the verses. I quickly forgot all the times when he had known his verses better than I. And so anger broke into the peaceful bliss of the Gleason home. Right as my brother was reciting “for I am gentle and lowly in heart…” my final prod pushed him over the edge. He turned without blinking and punched me in the arm as hard as he could. My pride and his anger both were sins against the 6th commandment. Both of us were in need of forgiveness because we did not control our emotions. With both transgressions common in our families, how do we help our children navigate these waters?
- Teach them what is right. So much of parenting is spent on correction, but we also must remember the positive instructions. These are the conversations we have with our children when all is well. When your child has hit his sibling, teach him about gentleness as you share a walk with him. When your child is manifesting pride, talk to him about humility on your way to the grocery store. When he becomes a “name caller,” teach him about encouragement as you tuck them into bed at night. Help them learn to control their passions.
- Correct what is wrong. Most parents are more naturally attuned to this part of parenting. However, you have to learn to recognize the transgressions. Do you let your children slam doors? stomp out of the room in anger? lash out with their tongues? Your children should understand these expressions are not permitted in your home. More than that, they should understand these expressions are not permitted in your home because they dishonor God.
How do you teach your child to live joyfully for God? There seem to be so few opportunities to express love toward God for our children, especially when they are young. And yet parents have the responsibility to form a shape of something abstract like loving God for them. How? There is a very simple way: the fifth commandment.
When the Bible says, “Honor your father and your mother…” it is part of God’s holiness code for children. No matter what age our children might be, they can express their love for God by obeying this commandment. Let me be clear: honoring parents is not the end game for the Christian child. The goal is to glorify God and enjoy him forever. God’s call for them to honor mom and dad gives them an opportunity to do so, and “practice makes perfect” as they say (but not in the “perfectionism” sense). As Christian parents you have been given the privilege of leading them through this process. So how should Christian parents teach their children to glorify God in honoring the fifth commandment? Below are some suggestions:
- Expect obedience from your children. Colossians 3:20 commands children to obey their parents in everything. To obey is to honor their parents. To honor their parents is to glorify God. Do not teach your children to despise God’s commandment by allowing them to disobey you. Parents, when you call your little darling to come to you and they run the other way, that’s not cute. It’s sin. Instead lead them in honoring God even at an early age by requiring obedience.
- Give your children the chance to honor you in service. Parents are not exclusively in the law enforcement business, although you may sometimes feel that way. Try to find ways your children can honor you positively. Dads, give your child the joy of bringing mom her toast in the morning. Help your teens organize that special surprise for her. Certainly your children are to honor through obedience, but they can also honor in service.
- Teach your children to honor the adults in their lives. This lesson is easy to teach in the context of church. For your children, all the adults at church are old. Have them carry things, open doors, or give a friendly greeting to some of the senior saints at church. Have them speak respectfully to adults and use titles of respect for them. Grown-ups and children are not peers, or buddies. By teaching your children to act this way you are giving them opportunities to put God’s commandments into practice.
Of course, external obedience or service without love for God is not glorifying him. If only parenting were that easy. Add to that your children’s natural propensity to disguise their rebellion through deception and you have a recipe for much prayer. But while you pray, you also teach, showing your children what it means to honor their parents in the hopes of teaching them how they might glorify God.
I am guessing many first-time parents get their highlighters out when their little angel reaches 1 year old and furiously begin underlining Exodus 20:12: “Honor your father and your mother…” It becomes their “life verse.” This enthusiasm usually springs from a recognition of the universal defiance streak that is in all our children. However, the fifth commandment actually has implications for the parent as well.
More than just dealing with children, the fifth commandment also covers our obligation toward our children. “The fifth commandment requireth the preserving the honor, and performing the duties, belonging to everyone in their several places and relations, as superiors, inferiors, or equals.” (Westminster Shorter Catechism Q/A 64). The 17th century divines teach us that children have duties toward parents, but parents have duties to their children as well.
One of the places our biblical duties are summarized is in Colossians 3:21. There God commands us not to provoke our children lest they become discouraged. To clarify, this passages does not teach our children’s happiness as the gauge for successful, biblical parenting. For example, our children may become discouraged when we prohibit them from kicking their siblings in the shins. They may be frustrated when we restrict their forms of entertainment. Discouragement alone does not invalidate our instruction, but discouragement flowing from provocation does. So how do we discourage our children?
- By failing to teach them from God’s word. Our convictions are not as stable as we might think. Consider how much your views have changed in the last ten years. When we make our thoughts the foundation for instruction, children will become discouraged because they are aiming for a moving target. We should instruct our children in God’s unchangeable commandments and in principles we derive from them.
- By treating them as if they were the center of the universe. When our children are young we form how they view the world. If we teach them to consider themselves the center, we inadvertently train them to make their happiness their primary goal. However, Scripture tells us that “whoever does not take his cross and follow me is not worthy of me.” (Matt. 10:38). The principle of self-denial is central to the Scriptures, not self-satisfaction. We will discourage them if they are used to considering self first, rather than Christ.
- By failing to love them as we have been loved by Christ. Parental instruction must flow from a heart of love. If we constantly treat our children as if they are an inconvenience, whatever may have been helpful in our instruction will surely be lost. View your parental responsibilities along the lines of Deut. 6:6-7: “And these words that I command you today shall be on your heart. You shall teach them diligently to your children, and shall talk of them when you sit in your house, and when you walk by the way, and when you like dow, and when you rise.”
When I moved to Canada in 1985, all the shopping centers were still closed on Sunday. I don’t think anyone had the faintest idea why, but they were closed nonetheless. Now, in the church, we have the same situation. We commend Chick Fill-A for being closed on Sunday, but at the same time we’re a bit disappointed because now we have to spend more by going to Appleby’s for our Sunday lunch. We have lost our understanding of the significance of Sunday as the Christian Sabbath. You, parents, are the ones who must be about making Sunday the Lord’s Day again.
The point of this post is not to address the issue of the theology of the Sabbath. Other people have done a very good job at it. Iain Campbell, Walter Chantry, Ryan McGraw, Joseph Pipa and others have made a thorough biblical case for the continuing application of the 4th commandment for the Christian. What I want to do is think through the “why” and “how” of teaching our children about the Christian Sabbath.
First, “Why?” If I was to boil down the significance of the Lord’s Day to one idea it is this: God has given us Sunday to continually re-orient us in the use of our time. Christian worship can easily become one of our weekly activities. We work, watch football, do homework, visit friends, and we also manage to fit in church. God knows the weakness of our frame and gives us one day in seven where everything stops. We have to get everything else in our week done in six days because we know that on the seventh, we don’t work, neither do we cause anyone else to work. It is God’s tithe on our time: all the time we have belongs to God and we should use it to glorify him. It is a gift from God reminding us we are blessed when our hope is in him (Ps. 146:5).
Second, “How?” There are two ways we mock the Lord’s Day. First, by not giving it any thought, and second by turning it into a checklist. The way to avoid these extremes is by setting some foundational truths before our children about the Lord’s Day:
- God made the Sabbath as part of his creation, before sin even entered the world (Gen. 2:3). That means we are all to obey this commandment
- On Sunday, we are not to work, neither should we cause others to work. If we need to make changes in our families to conform to this commandment, make sure we can show our children they are required by God, not you.
- Obedience to the Sabbath demonstrates we trust God will take care of us. We are to seek first His kingdom and His righteousness and all other things will be given to us.
- There are exceptions to the Sabbath commandment to rest in the works of necessity and mercy.